THE DEEP DESIRE

There is a deep desire in me about love, THE DESIRE TO LOVE TOO MUCH AND LOVED BACK TOO MUCH . 
Since childhood i felt a lack of deep love or acceptance for myself. no one i say, no one deeply loved me and even when i love the person , he/she never really loved me back with same intent and same emotions.

that does not mean people never loved me , rather they do loved me in various forms as my mother loved me ,my friends, my neighbours, my teachers , but they never loved me completely. 
they never loved me fully , there is nothing as deep love which i ever experienced .
i think, not being sure, but till that extent which people let me in ,i love people too much. when my love become suffocation , i pull back myself.

there is deep desire entrenched in me to love too much and loved back too much .

this desire become a form of void that remains in my heart. this desire became the source of suffering in my life . 

someone who gets close to me, i expect from him/her to fill that void and thus it became a source of suffering and problem to myself and the other person. 

thats why now, i did not allow people who are just friend becoming too much close if they are just for casual entertainment.

thus in total, i am little bit lonely and empty from inside . 

now, lets talk about this feeling , the feeling to love too much and loved back too much.
many shayar talked about it in their own way with their own understanding 

MIRZA GHALIB talked about this equality of love as a wish to be fulfil, but can't be guaranteed get fulfilled .
for him, human have no control of this feeling . as he say that there is nothing a man can do to either create or to destroy this feeling. 

इश्क़ पर ज़ोर नहीं, है ये वो आतिश ‘ग़ालिब’
कि लगाए न लगे और बुझाए न बने

so one should accept this feeling as out of his control .


faiz , jaun elia , gulzar, javed akhtar, bashir badra and parveen shakir ...wrote about this which i will study and get updated ,
...



there is chatgpt reponse which i am quoting here , which i dont trust completely yet trust it partially




....


Mirza Ghalib

(asli sher)

इश्क़ पर ज़ोर नहीं, है ये वो आतिश ‘ग़ालिब’
कि लगाए न लगे और बुझाए न बने

Ye “too much love” ka blueprint hai. Chaha bhi, sambhala bhi, phir bhi haath se nikal gaya. Wapas milna isme likha hi nahi.

Faiz Ahmad Faiz

(isi feeling par mazmoon, Faiz ke mizaj mein)

हमने चाहा तुम्हें हद से ज़्यादा
और ये भी सीखा
कि हर पूरी मोहब्बत
मुकम्मल जवाब नहीं मांगती

Faiz ke yahan shiddat hai, magar shikayat kam. Love too much, even if it comes back incomplete.

Gulzar

(isi feeling par)

बहुत चाहने में
एक डर भी छुपा रहता है
कहीं सामने वाला
साँस लेना न भूल जाए

Ye wahi baat hai jo tum keh rahe ho: zyada chaho, par itna bhi nahi ke doosra ghutne lage.

Jaun Elia

(isi feeling par)

मुझे बराबरी की मोहब्बत चाहिए थी
और मुझे मिला
अपना ही ज़्यादा होना

Jaun ke yahan “loved back too much” ek khwab hai jo aksar toot ta hai.

Parveen Shakir

(isi feeling par)

मैंने दिल खोल कर चाहा
और जब जवाब आधा मिला
तो पूरा मैं ही बिखर गई

Yahan “too much love” kamzori nahi, lekin uski keemat bahut personal hai.

Aakhri baat

Is topic par kisi shayar ne safe ending nahi likhi.
Sab ne bas ye maana:

  • zyada chahna fitrat hai

  • zyada wapas mil jaaye to naseeb

  • warna insaan khud se thoda kam reh jaata hai





.......

even javed akhtar wrote about it as 
देख लों ये इश्क ये वस्ल ये हिज़्र ,
चलो घर चले काम बहुत पड़ा है 

he talks about it as this feeling always be there and always remains unfulfilled. 



....
now lets talk about the next step 

if my spouse or partner is not loving me for some time

then she must be loving other and thats where my insecurity triggered

so i guess the person who want to loves me must know this fact . it must be her responsibility to make me felt and make me believe that she loves me a lot , otherwise i will always be insecure .

also, if i make someone to love me forcefully, there is nothing worse than it.
people often miss me not because of love , rather because of guilt they had.

they have guilt of not reciprocating my love and then they want me back..and i little bit afraid to go back, even though i will give one last chance but nothing more.


....
this desire to love too much and loved back too much , became a source of suffering as buddha suggest.
he suggested a solution which is nirvana, not expecting anything. but my question to buddha is that 
is it not human nature ...so i disagree with him as i suggest to accept this pain and suffering as inevitable in human life . there is nothing that you can do . 
....
but one must lose hope in life , you never know what life has to offer you ...thats why always keep your doors open.

someone somewhere is waiting or will love me back more than i could imagine.

......

now lets talk about what do i think about self care ..and simplicity ...

i am not too much handsome that someone just by my looks declare me her crush ...though i want to be like that but in my case it won't be possible.
i am an average by looks , but with conversation, i am off the charts.
and except accepting this fact that how much i put efforts to my self care ...i won't be like those boys .

but it does not mean i must lose my sense of presentableness and must adore the simplicity and other beautiful things i have .


there is sher as 

ये कागजी फूल जैसे चेहरे मज़ाक उड़ाते हैं आदमी का 
इन्हे कोई काश ये बात दे मकाम ऊंचा है सादगी का 
...
अच्छी सूरत को सवारने की जरूरत क्या 
सादगी में भी कयामत की अदा होती है। 

...thats why you have to adore the beautiful things i have and still work towards my health, face and general presentableness.
i must exercise , not too much , but must be this much that i avoid any disease, i must look by my age and not seen as a repulsion to people...since i am not seen as attractive guy , so i must also not be seen as a repulsive guy.
you must be seen as a presentable guy because looks do matter and you don't have to make yourself worse by just sitting idol amd doing nothing , just sitting on the basis of intellectual capacity. you are not in silos rather you are in the rapidly changing world.

thats why do exercise, maintain a good health with good face and try to avoid acting too much for it.
thats why changing yourself and being comfortable in your own skin occur at the same time.

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