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My worst days

so this whole story started in class 12, it started with problems of uncertainty of future that what i will do after 12th. i don't figure out myself where i would go , where i can make a good career. in class 12th, i topped my school in my stream. everyone was happy but i am not so happy. i was still in the thought where i would go after 12th.  i kind of aware of my financial constraints but dreams never care about them. there were my 3-4 friends in class 12 , they were my best friends but somehow they turned awkward after class 12. i kind of became nihilist as all my base of life meaning has ruined. i completed education, still felt problematic, i lose friends, i know my family which kind of quite orthodox in nature. and suddenly the nights started to be awaken.  i lose my sleep.but this was not so much of my concern. i met some people to help me with this career thing but somehow i am not convinced by them. i somehow decide to go for civil services but still, as casual , don...
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ओझल

दिल टूटने के बाद दिल, दिल नहीं रहता, समझदार हो जाता है, फिर नादान नहीं रहता। कौन वफ़ा के काबिल, कौन बस गुज़रता बादल, सबसे रिश्ता रहता है, पर कोई अपना नहीं रहता। बस एक ठोकर मांगी थी ज़माने से कभी, जो मिली इतनी मिली, अब कोई गिला नहीं रहता। रात को किस हसीना को ख़्वाब में देखा था, सुबह उठकर उन यादों का भी निशान नहीं रहता। अब कौन आए इस दिल में दिया जलाने को, खंडहरों में यूँ ही कोई मेहमान नहीं रहता। रात भर लिखते रहे हम अपनी दास्तान, सुबह होते ही खुद पर भी यक़ीन नहीं रहता।                                                                   - शिनाख्त 
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read this before overthinking regarding cse

so it contains many things as time consumed by one person to clear cse, comparison with other toppers, why we feel ourselves loser, and why we don't have patience , what not ...these are not exact my words but they help me so here you go don't compare yourself yourself to any topper. they have different story, you got a different one. all the first time clearing this exam are either too much privileged or good at something in their other career. you have to develop patience... why is it taking you so much time ... you must develop patience..i know its difficult ...but remember what RUDYARD KIPLING SAID IN ''IF'' ...if you can wait and not tired by waiting. its your age of everything...you think a lot, you will become restless , you spend nights awake either because of love or because of your future tension....its okay to feel so you do everything, you manage everything and yet you have everything to see...parents, friends, love, the world and the whole internet....
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problem with cse syllabus ?

So when i started preparing for the exam , there is a sense of detachment i felt and still feel during the preparation of the exam. i thought that why this syllabus if cse is so boring ? i mean i can't able to connect myself with cse syllabus. i have too many question regarding emotions, and my thoughts and what not  eg. why this happens to me, why this happens in such way only to me, why i feel disconnectd from myself even when upsc cse syllabus is vast among every exam. so here lies the answer, cse syllabus is not for the inside world. it does not answers you the inside question  of yours. thats why most of the people who clear this exam are either emotional stable or get emotionally unstable during the service. because this exam promise you emotional awareness , before of after. so why and how read the syllabus ?  because it answers your outside world questions. it answers how world works. it answers why world behaves in certain way.  thats why one must be curious...
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तलाश

मेरी बस यही मूँडता  है  ये चेहरा आँखें ढूँढता हैं  इंसान बात गया हर तरह  दिल एक पूरा इंसान ढूँढता है  पूरे दिन आराम देख कर  कुछ पल काम ढूँढता हैं  बस लिखना नहीं है काम मेरा  ये सख्श एक नाम ढूँढता है दिल टूटने के बाद कांच न किया  बस इसी बात का इनाम ढूँढता हैं                                                     - शिनाख्त 
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महफिलें

सबसे अलग अलग दोस्ती रखता हूँ  फिर भी मैं सबसे दोस्ती रखता हूँ  महफिलों के लिए लगते हैं काफी लोग  अपनी महफ़िल के लिए दो एक दोस्त रखता हूँ  महफिलों का सिर्फ सितारा बनना पसंद है मुझे  सबके जैसा बनने की सोच दूर रखता हूँ  मेरा तो कभी महफिलों में जी नहीं लगता  फिर भी मिलने की कुछ मजबूरी रखता हूँ                                                               - शिनाख्त 
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ending my long duration pleasures

today, i am ending all my long duration pleasure for building my career.  15th March is my the last day of trip which I did today.  It's my last party today. And honestly, i don't like parties anymore with too much crowd. Only 1 or 2 persons are enough for my company. इस शहर में किससे मिलें  हमसे तो छुटी महफिलें। I don't like too much crowd ...i stop liking being in a group. And it's not a disrespect to anyone....it's just my preference. till cse, i will avoid long meeting, long trips with friends, long trips with families , giving time to people ..more than reasonable. i will avoid full cravings... i will avoid fast food to satiate my hunger. i am avoiding everything that consumes my too much time i have to avoid these things to change myself because i like my changing myself ,, i have to eliminate some things from me. thays why i am doing it . i am not saying that i am ending all my social connections... i will meet people, enjoy things but not at the extent of en...
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