Mere kadhi chawal

So when i started preparing for the exam , there is a sense of detachment i felt and still feel during the preparation of the exam. i thought that why this syllabus if cse is so boring ? i mean i can't able to connect myself with cse syllabus. i have too many question regarding emotions, and my thoughts and what not  eg. why this happens to me, why this happens in such way only to me, why i feel disconnectd from myself even when upsc cse syllabus is vast among every exam. so here lies the answer, cse syllabus is not for the inside world. it does not answers you the inside question  of yours. thats why most of the people who clear this exam are either emotional stable or get emotionally unstable during the service. because this exam promise you emotional awareness , before of after. so why and how read the syllabus ?  because it answers your outside world questions. it answers how world works. it answers why world behaves in certain way.  thats why one must be curious...

मेरी बस यही मूँडता  है  ये चेहरा आँखें ढूँढता हैं  इंसान बात गया हर तरह  दिल एक पूरा इंसान ढूँढता है  पूरे दिन आराम देख कर  कुछ पल काम ढूँढता हैं  बस लिखना नहीं है काम मेरा  ये सख्श एक नाम ढूँढता है दिल टूटने के बाद कांच न किया  बस इसी बात का इनाम ढूँढता हैं                                                     - शिनाख्त 

सबसे अलग अलग दोस्ती रखता हूँ  फिर भी मैं सबसे दोस्ती रखता हूँ  महफिलों के लिए लगते हैं काफी लोग  अपनी महफ़िल के लिए दो एक दोस्त रखता हूँ  महफिलों का सिर्फ सितारा बनना पसंद है मुझे  सबके जैसा बनने की सोच दूर रखता हूँ  मेरा तो कभी महफिलों में जी नहीं लगता  फिर भी मिलने की कुछ मजबूरी रखता हूँ                                                               - शिनाख्त 

today, i am ending all my long duration pleasure for building my career.  15th March is my the last day of trip which I did today.  It's my last party today. And honestly, i don't like parties anymore with too much crowd. Only 1 or 2 persons are enough for my company. इस शहर में किससे मिलें  हमसे तो छुटी महफिलें। I don't like too much crowd ...i stop liking being in a group. And it's not a disrespect to anyone....it's just my preference. till cse, i will avoid long meeting, long trips with friends, long trips with families , giving time to people ..more than reasonable. i will avoid full cravings... i will avoid fast food to satiate my hunger. i am avoiding everything that consumes my too much time i have to avoid these things to change myself because i like my changing myself ,, i have to eliminate some things from me. thays why i am doing it . i am not saying that i am ending all my social connections... i will meet people, enjoy things but not at the extent of en...

instability that i will be writing here may be resonated with the concept of dukkha or something that you can call in your own terms. the words may fluctuate but the idea is tight. whatever you think, be it nature, be it universe, be it god or be it any super natural thing or be it absurdity that can't be named , which give us the birth has also given us death just after the birth. i mean just look at the fact that since birth, there are the doors of death at every point. like if he has given us birth, why would it give us death. if we are born to be dead, why we are born even at the first place... the answer is nature or what you may call it , is unstable at the very core of it. and we are the product of that instability. there are many instances of us getting dead as leaving social group,...so mental exhaustion ..that lead to instability. getting heartbroken ...is also an instance of instabilty... it could be said that ...the person dies everyday, but the death comes at the end. ...

So there is this poet nazir kazmi. I fucking love d him man. I guess he almost did my sketch in his gazal which is as follows  अपनी धुन में रहता हूँ मैं भी तेरे जैसा हूँ ओ पिछली रुत के साथी अब के बरस मैं तन्हा हूँ तेरी गली में सारा दिन दुख के कंकर चुनता हूँ मुझ से आँख मिलाए कौन मैं तेरा आईना हूँ मेरा दिया जलाए कौन मैं तिरा ख़ाली कमरा हूँ तेरे सिवा मुझे पहने कौन मैं तिरे तन का कपड़ा हूँ तू जीवन की भरी गली मैं जंगल का रस्ता हूँ आती रुत मुझे रोएगी जाती रुत का झोंका हूँ अपनी लहर है अपना रोग दरिया हूँ और प्यासा हूँ And that last line is fucking relatable.