Mere kadhi chawal

I will do a comeback. this year it will be my comeback...i will do everything whatever under my control. whether physically, emotionally, financially, and academically, hairwise, facewise ...i will do a comeback...i will achieve my dreams. i am not enough right now ...not for people ...not for others...just for myself. I am not where I supposed to be. I will improve myself but I don't hate myself either. i will do more...and this all not because of people...it is purely selfish. this date must be remembered as 21st march. I will keep patience and never stop trying. Whether people like me or not (facewise)...I will do what I want to do (being fit). I'm tired of fixing my face...I will exercise, no doubt..I try to keep myself fit...keep by face fit ...but bhaad main jaaye wo log jinhe pasand nhi hai mera chehra. I will control my controllables like exercise but won't think too much about uncontrollables like face . I will try to take care of my hairs and diet...but can't ...

लोगों के हिसाब से जीते जाना   उनके हिसाब से ग़म सीते जाना   खुद के ग़म खुद पीते जाना   अच्छा नहीं होता   दिल की बातें अंदर रखना   आँखों को बेवजह समंदर रखना   खुद के अंदर खंडहर रखना   अच्छा नहीं होता   हर बार सिर्फ जीत को पा लेना   हर बार हार को छुपा लेना   कभी हार-जीत की सीख न लेना   अच्छा नहीं होता   औरों के लिए खुद को खोना   उनकी उम्मीदों का बोझा ढोना   किसी के लिए अच्छा होता होगा...   मेरे लिए अच्छा नहीं होता                                      –शिनाख्त 

so this whole story started in class 12, it started with problems of uncertainty of future that what i will do after 12th. i don't figure out myself where i would go , where i can make a good career. in class 12th, i topped my school in my stream. everyone was happy but i am not so happy. i was still in the thought where i would go after 12th.  i kind of aware of my financial constraints but dreams never care about them. there were my 3-4 friends in class 12 , they were my best friends but somehow they turned awkward after class 12. i kind of became nihilist as all my base of life meaning has ruined. i completed education, still felt problematic, i lose friends, i know my family which kind of quite orthodox in nature. and suddenly the nights started to be awaken.  i lose my sleep.but this was not so much of my concern. i met some people to help me with this career thing but somehow i am not convinced by them. i somehow decide to go for civil services but still, as casual , don...

दिल टूटने के बाद दिल, दिल नहीं रहता, समझदार हो जाता है, फिर नादान नहीं रहता। कौन वफ़ा के काबिल, कौन बस गुज़रता बादल, सबसे रिश्ता रहता है, पर कोई अपना नहीं रहता। बस एक ठोकर मांगी थी ज़माने से कभी, जो मिली इतनी मिली, अब कोई गिला नहीं रहता। रात को किस हसीना को ख़्वाब में देखा था, सुबह उठकर उन यादों का भी निशान नहीं रहता। अब कौन आए इस दिल में दिया जलाने को, खंडहरों में यूँ ही कोई मेहमान नहीं रहता। रात भर लिखते रहे हम अपनी दास्तान, सुबह होते ही खुद पर भी यक़ीन नहीं रहता।                                                                   - शिनाख्त 

so it contains many things as time consumed by one person to clear cse, comparison with other toppers, why we feel ourselves loser, and why we don't have patience , what not ...these are not exact my words but they help me so here you go don't compare yourself yourself to any topper. they have different story, you got a different one. all the first time clearing this exam are either too much privileged or good at something in their other career. you have to develop patience... why is it taking you so much time ... you must develop patience..i know its difficult ...but remember what RUDYARD KIPLING SAID IN ''IF'' ...if you can wait and not tired by waiting. its your age of everything...you think a lot, you will become restless , you spend nights awake either because of love or because of your future tension....its okay to feel so you do everything, you manage everything and yet you have everything to see...parents, friends, love, the world and the whole internet....

So when i started preparing for the exam , there is a sense of detachment i felt and still feel during the preparation of the exam. i thought that why this syllabus if cse is so boring ? i mean i can't able to connect myself with cse syllabus. i have too many question regarding emotions, and my thoughts and what not  eg. why this happens to me, why this happens in such way only to me, why i feel disconnectd from myself even when upsc cse syllabus is vast among every exam. so here lies the answer, cse syllabus is not for the inside world. it does not answers you the inside question  of yours. thats why most of the people who clear this exam are either emotional stable or get emotionally unstable during the service. because this exam promise you emotional awareness , before of after. so why and how read the syllabus ?  because it answers your outside world questions. it answers how world works. it answers why world behaves in certain way.  thats why one must be curious...