Mere kadhi chawal

 i want to do some things . these are some goals which i want to achieve .  i don't love myself right now, because that is not what i want to be.  i want to achieve somethings as goals, physical appearance and some academic and some social validation . for me , social validation , recognition or attention is necessary. not in big amount, just a small amout. some things which i want to change in myself because of i am not so presentable. these are not entire my personality, but i need a little amount of social validation for myself. its like some things i want to do because i like them to do without any public attention, but  for some things, i need people to appreciate me. But there remains an inherent question, why do I like those things without any social approval...is it because I want to do something that society does not like or i want to become a secretive guy?  Who knows ? Even I don't know. for eg. travelling for me is my personal choice,  exercise ...

 well well well...i need to write it to get over someone ... and here it goes raw, unfiltered, non edit version ... she does not love me... i don't assuming it. she said this on my face. well she wants to be my friend ...which is not possible for me. what else could i do ...i asked her , she said nothing . she rejected me because she never share such feeling for me. she want to make me understand via her brain , but bro please shut up, you can't deal heart only with brain. emotions are more than understanding , its about how you feel to someone. for me, its just make me sad that i got rejected. but don't making my heart any smaller ...just need some time to get over with her . when i reject someone , i don't feel such bad ...but now someone rejected me , now i feel how actually someone feel ...and thats the reason why i am not making my heart any smaller ..its not so big deal bro . allahma iqbal said it rightly,  हजारों साल नरगिस अपनी बेनूरी पे रोती है  तब जाके कहीं चमन...

कि कई काले बादलों से घिरा हूँ, उड़ने की चाह में कई बार गिरा हूँ। और जो आपको तंग कर रही है मेरी हमदर्दी, मैं तो इन्हीं गलियों में फिरा हूँ। मैं नहीं चाहता कि आप पर बुरा वक्त कभी आए, पर गलती से जो आ जाए, तो समझोगे  कि कैसे मैं अपनी बातों का सिरा हूँ। तब तक मुझे रहने दो जैसा मैं हूँ, दुनिया-सा बनाने की कोशिश मत करो मुझे, मैं अकेला आया था, और अकेले ही विदा हूँ।                                  –शिनाख्त 

and you have met thousands of people on your way to London, and I know they like you, you are quite fun. you must’ve smiled at dozens of them. but you still love the one who’s stuck in this weird city. oh, what a shame on you for loving the hot coffee girl. the one whose heart is of stone, but face filled with pearl. the one whose eyes you look for in a crowd, the one you told your friends and professors about. and you’ve met hundreds of girls on your way to London, and I know they like you. you are so, so fun. you must’ve made a sick joke to make them all laugh, but their smiles must’ve cut you into halves and reminded you of the girl you left behind. the one that dropped your brain and made your heart blind. all your friends told you you will move on, you both will kid in love. you thought you knew a lot, but it never was enough. they’re so wrong, we both know. it’s been forever, we’re still stuck here. so even though you moved to London and I found ...

  सोचता था पत्थर कैसे बन जाते हैं खाते-खाते ठोकर ऐसे बन जाते हैं हम भी निकले थे दरिया की तलाश में प्यास की कमी से लोग समंदर बन जाते हैं कुछ बातें दिल में रखना भी जरूरी है वरना लोग मील के पत्थर बन जाते हैं ..... To be continued

There is a deep desire in me about love, THE DESIRE TO LOVE TOO MUCH AND LOVED BACK TOO MUCH .  Since childhood i felt a lack of deep love or acceptance for myself. no one i say, no one deeply loved me and even when i love the person , he/she never really loved me back with same intent and same emotions. that does not mean people never loved me , rather they do loved me in various forms as my mother loved me ,my friends, my neighbours, my teachers , but they never loved me completely.  they never loved me fully , there is nothing as deep love which i ever experienced . i think, not being sure, but till that extent which people let me in ,i love people too much. when my love become suffocation , i pull back myself. there is deep desire entrenched in me to love too much and loved back too much . this desire become a form of void that remains in my heart. this desire became the source of suffering in my life .  someone who gets close to me, i expect from him/her to fill that...