My worst days

so this whole story started in class 12, it started with problems of uncertainty of future that what i will do after 12th. i don't figure out myself where i would go , where i can make a good career. in class 12th, i topped my school in my stream. everyone was happy but i am not so happy.

i was still in the thought where i would go after 12th. 

i kind of aware of my financial constraints but dreams never care about them. there were my 3-4 friends in class 12 , they were my best friends but somehow they turned awkward after class 12.

i kind of became nihilist as all my base of life meaning has ruined. i completed education, still felt problematic, i lose friends, i know my family which kind of quite orthodox in nature.

and suddenly the nights started to be awaken. 

i lose my sleep.but this was not so much of my concern.

i met some people to help me with this career thing but somehow i am not convinced by them.

i somehow decide to go for civil services but still, as casual , don't care about the goals of life .

because all i think is life is meaningless.

so i took admission in one of the good college of delhi university. the course started. i find people.

but all i got is disappointment.

the people are not so deep enough, not so empathetic enough, not so kind and not so intellectual enough.rather i found people insecure and duplicate.

they try to pretend but never show who they actually are.

all i wanted to go home.

after that , long story short, i decided to come back after completing my graduation.

then i started to prepare for cse with just an online course for optional. 

i barely have any friends.

i have no one to talk. all i did was puzzled , not interacting and even though i got a female friend, she somehow turned against myself. 

i have some casual meet ups with some people which i don't like. it kind of puzzles me .

then someone told me about blogging, i don't know but poetry emerges out of nowhere from me. i wrote something. 

then somehow my life just turned into hell. i don't want to live any longer. i started to hate my life , but somewhere i feared about ending my life. even one day i was thinking of suicide...i was thinking what it all means. 

i left my curiosity of studying, i then met a psychiatrist. he gave me one med. for gad

after eating for 2 and half months i kind of okay. all i did was just sleep in those months.

i decided to actively pursue cse, still fails to do , because i don't know myself.

then one girl came in my life ....she told me she likes me..i started to feel good..i started to think about meaning of my life.

the she broke up with me or better to say, she got away.

after that i somehow handle myself. then i started to prepare but i was doing nothing as i was busy with handling life and handling her emotions.

then again, i went to psychiatrist and he gave me 1med for 1 month..which is same as previous one as 10 mg. i even change my 2 cherapist and all iwas thinking as it is trash.

then somehow, somehow i made 1-2 friends, and then join a local coaching for time paas.

all i did to atleast survive . atleast to live 

and then i met some more friends ..and somehow after sometime i gave my first exam of cse which ofcourse i failed , but it was okay and not so bad experience for me...

then i again started to prepare for cse, there i met a young girl , about 3 years younger than me..her eyes melted my heart... again i got rejected ....she told me that she never love me but her actions confuses me very much, even she does not know about actions.

at this moment, i started writing after that therapist change..i started to write a lot...

then i got structure for myself as what to do, how to do, where i failed ...and somehow i got enough friends, somehow poets help me...its like i somehow got a 2nd chance to live .

i was reincarnated in that same body...

now i am preparing for upsc cse with my eyes open wide,i somehow got sense of my mistakes..i somehow humbled by patience to hold things ...i don't even care about big results...all i did is to just ensure my week targets and i write often and i study to know not about myself but to know how world works.

i know there would be problems in future , but i no longer frightend by them...