Mere kadhi chawal

  Mann nhi h padhne ka ..koi baat nhi... Baad mein padh lena bro... ..kisi ka nhi karta  Ghum aao , bahar thoda

 i have a bad habit of always watching youtube shorts or mindlessly scrolling phone.  from now on whenever i notice my behaviour , i will try to do some labour, put some effort to put aside my phone. for a while... I will not allow myself to listen music all the time ...and especially while travelling with scooty. Headphones only when listening music in a pvt area.

UPSC or chasing any other life goals requires many things  but when life happens during all this, we get out of the league, out of track and lost our confidence amidst the way  we tend to think that perfection gives us what we want in our life or perfection promises us to give our desired goals but its too flawed.  life is imperfect in itself that's why we can't deal with it as perfection so what to do  ANUDDEP DURISHETTY told me that  zooming out is the solution ... but i resonate it with how to zoom out and how to know whether our zoom out is accurate or not  so what to follow and how to understand that it needs to be focused or not.  so i came up with my solution( not designed by me , but will be adopted by me)  as a loose structure of 8+8+8 8 hours of sleep 8 hours of study  and 8 hours of yours.  i mean there are many people to support it ..as many people do it and clear the exam but i dont adhere to stick to time strictly too much....

 for getting emotional balanced, sometimes you have to cut people through your circle . it does not matter how much you like them because if they dont like you , there is really nothing you can do.  there is a very personalised advice that kept and will keep me mentally balanced even though it requires some struggles that need to be dealt with . Don't contact to people who don't want you to contact them or does not show any interest.  i know its being selfish but it is very essential for your mental health. it is difficult to accept that you are not 100 percent perfect or liked by everyone and i understand that being liked by everyone is not possible and its okay to be so.  reciprocation is very important , as it is one of the basic necessity of any relationship. there will be level of reciprocation , but if there is reciprocation at that level which  accepted to both parties...called as compatibility.

its very normal to be sexually frustrated at young adulthood. as with my experiences are real but not so exceptional. being a virgin, kissless person and unable to find it for sometimes is not a matter of concern rather laughing.  its not a race , its really okay to don't have such life for sometime. there has to be no pressure of it.  its all really okay.  porn and internet are worst enemies in this case. porn and internet are not realities, they are just fantasy fuels, that have nothing to do with reality.you can use it to masturbate but you have to admit that it part of fantasy not reality.masturbation without any shame is quite logical answer here.  You don't have to blabber about your sexual frustration...it's very normal...to feel . Blabbering around it makes it worthy of your notice which I don't think it has. It's really okay to jerk off , don't too much Focus on it. Let it come, let it go ..you imagine someone...let it come ...let it go ...don't put...

I understand this is one of the most misunderstood dimension of love by people , by society and by many institutions. They just treat it as the bad part of it , but in my opinion it is the important part of love and that is being physical. It does not mean that I don't value emotional angle but being physical is very important to sustain any relationship. Our biology designed in a such way that lust became a part of love ... initially it may be big or with time it decreases but it ain't fade away. Emotional dimension is also very important, it's very important to reciprocation of feelings. It's very important to understand each other. But you can emotionally connected to anything despite you don't desire it so much ...eg...you can be emotionally connected to your neighbours , or environment. That's why physical part is so important. But the tricky part is here is that people put label of friendship on emotional part , why so ,because it removes the idea of vulne...

You have to accept yourself as who you are . You have to accept all the things that are yours. you have to accept your limitations.  As I distracted too much by friends. So I will dedicate a time to them only. and still works...sometimes on them and sometimes just let them be ... The how to do any thing? . By believing that you will do even with them. By belief, you can work despite failure. belief is the heaviest armour that one can wear in times of distress, though it costs nothing yet keeps you going. be it goals as career ,people as relationships and more... आज जो आपको शर्ट चाहिए , दुनिया इतनी हारामी है कि आज आपको वो शर्ट नहीं लेने देगी क्यूंकी कल कोई suit आपका इंतज़ार कर रहा होगा। ....zakir khan  for all that, you have to belief on yourself.  Why to belief ?  Remember past ...there were too much suffering and still you did things...be it emotional, personal and what not ... जैसे पहले किया , वैसे और भी करेगा । और बेहतर होगा।

love is not grand scheme of thing. gf-bf love is not so meta narrative, its okay to fail in it .   break ups are normal .  rejections are also normal .  failure and infidelity are so normal . you like someone and he/ she did not like you back, its okay and you can't do anything about it . you can either search for that person or try to accept it and if you unable to find due to time or resource unavailability ...so it's still okay..you will find it after sometime. Dhoka jaisa kuch hota hi nhi h  He liked you by face and then he got to know by your nature and then expectations don't match up ... Also an additional disclaimer that  Don't hold up for any single person ... enjoy your life 

Please be gentle at yourself... don't try to be so hard on yourself.  There are still many things that you don't know which you don't have even idea about. You still waste time, still have problems that will be solved in future. You can give 100 percent and still fail, you again give your best and could achieve it ...or you let it go..you let go results...you understand that it's not worth it to give 100 percent again... In all this process, please be gentle with yourself. i understand that you have answer of all problems and questions but it takes time to even solution. Something as lust, greed and wishes can't be dealt. They must be accepted.

दिल तो दुखता हैं  मगर जीना पड़ता ही हैं  सूरज से चाँद अकेला लड़ता है  मैं कितना भी भूलूँ  किस्सा तेरा अड़ता ही है ।  but you have to work despite memories ... बस फूलों ने समन्दर को रोक रखा है।  I have many insecurities  unemployment, financial constraints, hairs, fitness , fat ,  body odour, dull skin tone  , clothing  , never kissed anyone, still virgin  aur adhura pyaar  these are the reminders  to work ... but till that time you accept these insecurities.  for some time, you have to accept these insecurities and work ...as there are somethings that you can't work on sometimes except acceptance...and once you reach a place of success , you can deal with these insecurities...and these insecurities are the reminders. सर नीचे करो और काम करो  and things will change...have hope for it..have belief.

प्रस्तुत गीत दिल एक मंदिर चलचित्र से लिया गया है जिसके बोल हसरत जयपुरी ने लिखे हैं। हम तेरे प्यार में सारा आलम खो बैठे हैं, खो बैठे तुम कहते हो के ऐसे प्यार के भूल जाओ, भूल जाओ हम तेरे प्यार में सारा आलम खो बैठे हैं, खो बैठे तुम कहते हो के ऐसे प्यार के भूल जाओ, भूल जाओ हम तेरे प्यार में सारा आलम— पंछी से छुड़ाकर उसका घर तुम अपने घर पर ले आए ये प्यार का पिंजरा मन भाया हम जी भर-भर के मुस्काए जब प्यार हुआ इस पिंजरे से तुम कहने लगे आज़ाद रहो हम कैसे भुलाएँ प्यार तेरा तुम अपनी ज़ुबां से ये न कहो अब तुमसा जहाँ में कोई नहीं हम तो तुम्हारे हो बैठे तुम कहते हो कि ऐसे प्यार को भूल जाओ, भूल जाओ हम तेरे प्यार में सारा आलम— इस तेरे चरण की धूल से हमने अपनी जीवन माँग भरी तभी तो सुहागन कहलायी दुनिया के नज़र में प्यार बनी तुम प्यार की सुंदर मूरत हो और प्यार हमारी पूजा है अब इन चरणों में दम निकले बस इतनी और तमन्ना है हम प्यार के गंगाजल से, बलम जी तन-मन अपना धो बैठे तुम कहते हो के ऐसे प्यार को भूल जाओ, भूल जाओ हम तेरे प्यार में सारा आलम— सपनों का दर्पण देखा था सपनों का दर्पण तोड़ दिया ये प्यार का आँचल हम...

जिस्म की भूख मन की चाह आँखों की ज़िद होंठों की वाह ये क्या है तुम्हारी यादों के ज़ख़्म तुम्हारी यादों के फूल तुम्हारी बातों के काँटे तुम्हारे जिस्म के उरूज ये क्या है तेरी आँखों का श्रृंगार तेरे कानों की बालियाँ तेरे वो गुलाबी होंठ होंठों की बातें या उनकी लालियाँ ये क्या है बात-बात पर तेरा याद आना जिस्म से भी तेरा एहसास जताना सिर्फ़ रूहानी नहीं था जो भी था ये है कैसा अजीब-सा फ़साना ये क्या है सिर्फ़ रूहानी एहसास नहीं जिस्मानी भी सही थोड़ा गुलज़ार थोड़ा हासमी ही सही ये क्या है पता नहीं है ये क्या क्या ये सिर्फ़ याद है या यादों की राख है?                            – शिनाख्त 

तुम्हें भूल जाऊँ या तुम्हें भुला दूँ, इस दर्द की क्या खुद को मैं कितनी सज़ा दूँ। लगा दूँ आग इस दिल में, जला डालूँ वो तेरी यादें, कुछ तो करूँ मैं यूँ बेचैन, कहीं इस आग में खुद को न जला दूँ। कहीं से चलूँ, कहीं तो ठहरूँ, रात की नींद को कभी तो पहनूँ। पर सच्चाई ये है — मुझे भी कोई मिल जाएगा, दिल दोबारा से खुद को ज़िंदा पाएगा, आएगा दिल धड़कने का सबब याद, पर वो तुझे याद न लाएगा। तू मुझे पूरी तरह समझती थी, ये झूठ था या फिर आधा सच, क्योंकि तू मेरा दिल न समझ पाई, और बस यही तक कहानी आज याद आई।                                                    - शिनाख्त 

failure teaches you more than success regarding many things, be it person, value or anything. it teaches you what exactly don't work or at least can't be worked. you did everything to achieve a goal or a person and still fails. you can not able to figure out what and where you go wrong . you think that's how destiny works and there are many things that you can not do . it kind of help you in becoming gentle , humble and down to earth as you get to understand that there is always a luck factor that seems hidden.  so what to do? do we have to give up ? should we leave it as it is not my cup of tea ?   there is a thing said by zakir khan  आज जो आपको शर्ट चाहिए , दुनिया इतनी हारामी है कि आज आपको वो शर्ट नहीं लेने देगी क्यूंकी कल कोई suit आपका इंतज़ार कर रहा होगा।  so never give up... why so because failures becomes the stepping stones to build a legacy .  and the point is don't obsess with anything , there must be something way more beautiful than your imaginati...

 so it took me a while to figure out dealing with guilt during my upsc cse preparation. There are many things that one can simply do or which i think i did and will do to deal with this guilt in this preparation. there will be a sort of question and answer format that will prevail as a form of dialogue , not a speech. 1. why you want to do it ?  and it consists many questions  a. why only cse ? answer is NO , NOT ONLY CSE , ये नहीं तो कुछ और सही,  कुछ और नहीं तो कुछ और सही ।  b. why only you ? answer is i like to read , learn and generally like studying. c. is it prove anyone anything ? answer is never . not to prove anyone anything. not to lucidate anyone. not to impress anyone and i mean it. not for family, not for friends , not for any relationship . d. then why still you doing cse ? answer is for prove myself only. DO IT FOR YOURSELF AND DO IT TILL YOUR LAST BREATHE .  2.. dont chase perfection : i could as much i can on this topic but the answer li...

love is flawed as it contains two elements  physical and emotional  So basically it is totally flawed due to many reasons  1. Physical : if you have seen many people naked, you would realise human body is "how not so wonderful". you would see in real life that real life girls are not porn stars, neither celebrities. they are not so beautiful as fantasy as you imagine them.  and what we do is that , we jerk off by thinking about her , which is so flawed.  2. EMOTIONAL : they are many people to be deal with emotional aspect, friends, relatives and many other people .  love is important but not that important that it costs you more than life.  it is not the critique of love. love is important but not that much which could drive you crazy .

तुम्हें याद करता हूं  और तुम्हारी बेइंतहा याद आती है । कैसे भी काट लेता हूं दिन  ये कमबख्त नींद क्यूं नहीं आती है । क्या तुम्हें याद करना लाज़मी भी है ? मेरा क्या ही हक बनता है ! तुम्हारे लिए मैं एक अच्छा दोस्त था, मेरे लिए तुम मेरा ख्वाब बन गईं । हो तो काफी कुछ सकता था मैंने उन बातों को कितनी बार  बार बार ,हज़ार बार सोचा है  पर एकतरफा कुछ नहीं होता । कभी कभी सोचता हूं  क्या खुद के साथ बुरा किया  या तुम्हारे साथ ज्यादा बुरा कर दिया  जो मैं तुम्हारा दोस्त नहीं बन पाया। कोई वादा भी नहीं कर सकता  मेरे बस की बात नहीं है ये यादें तुम्हारी रोक लूं  इतनी मेरी औकात नहीं है यादों को आने दो  मुझे मेरा आईना दिखाने दो  मरना नहीं है ,जीना है  तेरी और यादों के लिए । मैं तुम्हें समझ पाया  तुमने मुझे समझा  ऐसा कौन मिलता है दुनिया में  मुझे ये प्यार लगा , तुम्हें नहीं । इस रिश्ते को क्या छोड़ना अच्छा था ? एक गम सताता है  कौन मिल पाएगा ऐसा फिर , ये बात और दर्द बढ़ाता है। जब हो मर्ज़ी चली आना  ये दर हमेशा खुला रहेगा तुम्ह...

some person fall in love ,  after she goes away ,  he rise in love and thus got rise in life. no drama, nothing to be so much sad and depressed, just some pain and nothing so grand. 

  so this is an excerpt from my diary . it basically revolves around how i have to deal with my career , but i sometimes forget all this and goes into spiral of obsession .  that obsession became a part of my personality, whether is it career or love or any relation ; obsession kills not the thing but myself. it makes me go insane. detachment is the only way to get things done and keeping things in balance .   आराम आराम से काम करते चलो , किसी भी चीज का इतना प्रेशर मत लो, सब हो जाएगा धीरे धीरे  जिद् नहीं करनी है किसी एक चीज की ।  ये नहीं तो कुछ और सही , कुछ और नहीं तो कुछ और सही । Upsc cse हो या कोई और काम , क्यों करना है , खुद के लिए करना है जो भी करना है। लोगों के लिए कुछ भी नहीं हो तुम । लोगों का प्रेशर नहीं लेना है। लोगों के लिए कुछ नहीं करना है किसी को कुछ प्रूव नहीं करना है , खुद के लिए करना है, कम भी अपना, ज्यादा भी अपना। सुख भी अपना तो दुख भी अपना । दुख को भी स्वीकार करो । दुख को स्वीकार कर उसका कुछ उपयोग करो। कुछ करो दुख के लिए भी । खुद को अपनाओ, खु...

एक भली सी शक्ल थी एक भोला सा दिल था बेशरम बन गया खुद में अब और क्या बाकी रहा । Keep running even got fail. I don't want to become god...i am normal human. Being ...and being human ... Don't try to become god...its better to own the bad personality..  Work despite everything go wrong and be Besharam about results or consistency.. Be Besharam donkey...who work and fails and laugh ..and repeat the cycle  I was a good person with myself, now let shinakht take over my personality and let be me bad with myself.

why everyday as perfect  nothing exist perfect in this world. there ain't perfect days ...but can be seen to others.  anudeep on consistency  why to oppose laziness. own it  not where to draw line rather why even to draw line. be in unison with personality  make you reach where you want to inherently reach or whats good for you rather than thinking what is actually good for you  being in unison with yourself makes you efficient and great  its like owning your shadows...carl jung   its not losing the game but winning the 80 % game.

look at some sentences that can be cliche to you  बूँद-बूँद से घड़ा भरता है बस-कि दुश्वार है हर काम का आसाँ होना आदमी को भी मुयस्सर नहीं इंसाँ होना धीरे-धीरे रे मना, धीरे सब कुछ होय ।  माली सींचे सौ घड़ा, ऋतु आए फल होय ॥ चले तो कट ही जाएगा सफ़र आहिस्ता आहिस्ता its not the tough path you have to follow rather  it is the right path you have to follow,  but sometimes we confuse tough path as the right path slow and steady wins the race.... look at these sentences and derive the meaning you want to. want to achieve something big in life  what to do , how to do  the world tells you to so do rigorous work , be a tougher one and what not  but here is the life boat that i get after thinking and wasting my mental health energy and time and even having anxiety for not fulfilling that social parameter of hustling 24*7 choose small targets , make sure to complete them , make this as habit over a long period of time , increase this very slowly slowly  and how y...

अग्नि के भय से ज्वलनशील, खौलते, उबलते, बिखरे उल्कापिंड।।  लहरें इंतज़ार कर रही हैं धरती चूमने के लिए, सूरज इंतज़ार कर रहा है डूबने के लिए। बिजली की बारात खड़ी है विद्रोह के लिए, किस्मत भी काँप रही है  अपने भविष्य के लिए।