Mere kadhi chawal

तू मुझसे क्यूँ इतनी बातें बनाती है  फिर भी ये रिश्ता नहीं समझ पाती है  मेरे करीब रहती है जो तू इस कदर  क्या तेरे दिल में , मेरी कोई जगह आती है  तू दोस्ती कितनी अच्छी निभाती है  फिर भी खुद को नहीं पहचान पाती है  तू कह देती है मुझसे सब कुछ  और मुझसे तू क्या नहीं छुपाती है  तू नासमझ रह गई इस सब के बाद  तू पतंग की तरह खुद में उलझ जाती है  मैं नहीं हूँ इस उलझन का जवाब  मेरे जाने के बाद तू खुद को पाती है  तुझमे हिम्मत नहीं एक फोन करने की  और मेरा किया फोन तू नहीं उठाती है  ऐसे कैसे कर लू भरोसा तुझ पे  तू कहती है की याद मेरी आती  है तू समझदार नहीं पर महसूस करती है  लेकिन मेरे दिल में समझ पहले आती है  जा माफ किया तेरी नासमझी को  ऐसे तो दोस्ती नहीं निभाई जाती है  मैं दोस्त नहीं हूँ तुम्हारा  मुझे तो बस इश्क की ज़बान आती है  मेरे हिस्से में क्या ही बचता है तुमसे बचकर     मेरे हिस्से में तो बस बेकारारी आती है  कोई नहीं ठहरता हमेशा एक जगह  किसी की यादों से आगे कोई लड़...

 for me , honestly upsc cse is not a memorization exam ..its not related to how much i can study , its not how smart i am , its not how much consistent i am rather it is an exam of my emotional stability.  It is a too much psychological paced exam. Either one has to be born with these things as stoic or one has to learn this mental toughness...I am the later one...I will acquire this mental toughness...and that's why I need emotional balance. this is exam of my emotional understanding, how much i am able to deal with my emotions effectively. other than emotional stability, i have all that is required to ace this exam thats why i said it as an exam or a test of my emotional stability . blogging helps a lot in emotional stability, friends helps but this is all from my side. from my side i wrote a blog as  emotions and upsc cse but but but ...there has to be a direction nad here comes my missing link.. poets are like my mentors ...they never negate your feelings rather they ...

i know many rational thoughts behind studying. such that 99 reasons to know why studying is important ...and studying is indispensable ...think study as a job ...there is no alternative to study...i have to study..दुनिया में रहना है तो काम कर प्यारे ..काम तो करना ही पड़ेगा...you have to complete your dreams...poetries se ghar nahi chalta ...a great author still pending bills...padhai important hai..but still padhne ka mann nahi hain . Kya mere khwab khwab hi reh jayenge? Kya mere khwab ka main khud dushman hun ? Kya mujhe bilkul bhi social validation nhi chahiye? Kya main apne zone main itna comfortable ho gya hun ki padh nhi paa raha ? don't be guilt about the fact that you are not going to studying rather wasting time on other thing...think it as recharging yourself or just purely being human. an you must never do 100 percent effort ..leave it to 80 percent....leave somethings for the next day..never complete the day. just think about studying for next 5 min. study ...no big goals...

so by just looking at the title, you must be wondering what could i write more which has not been written till that time. the only thing that i can give is personalisation. so here is my honest and clear take on love ... You don't know about the other person completely.... Whenever you are in love , you tend to imagine her and when reality hits you...the only thing left is breakup. don't chase the better half  it is most sad and most frustrating advice that i can give to myself, and have given so.. say no to casual say no to someone directly without thinking it would hurt them .  be blunt in terms of love. don't act as friend as in facade of loved ones...before and after . you still found people attractive, as attractive as you never think..life has always more to offer than your imagination.  its my personal preference ...if you won't dedicate time to build what you have to offer because you have nothing to offer at this age . because,  suppose you found a person at...

कितने ज़ख्म लिखूँ, कितनी परेशानियाँ लिखूँ, खुद के बारे में जो भी लिखूँ, हर पंक्ति में एक हैरानी लिखूँ। अपनी ही गलतियाँ लिखूँ, अपनी ही कमियाँ लिखूँ, लिखूँ अपनी किताबें खुद में, और तुम बताओ, मैं क्या लिखूँ। रात भर की नींद लिखूँ, या रात भर की परेशानियाँ लिखूँ, अपनी गलतियों की सज़ा लिखूँ, या अपनी गलतियों की गुमनामियाँ लिखूँ। खुद की जीत लिखूँ, या अपनी नाकामियाँ लिखूँ, खुद की शराफ़त लिखूँ, या ज़माने की बेमानियाँ लिखूँ। फूलों का हार लिखूँ, या सितारों की ख़ाक लिखूँ, अपनी ही ज़िंदगी लिखूँ, या एक हँसती हुई ज़िंदा लाश लिखूँ। मैं चाहता हूँ लिखना बहुत, पर अपने हाल पर और क्या लिखूँ। दिल, दिमाग दोनों लिखकर खो दिए, अब खुद का मैं क्या क्या लिखूँ। ख़ैर, जब तक ज़िंदा हूँ, चलता रहेगा ये कलम, जिस दिन रुक जाए, उस दिन अंतिम संस्कार लिखूँ।                                           –शिनाख्त 

I have full authority to hurt people romantically except that one girl who will be my wife. And it includes even the flirting stage to anyone. And that's how I see loyalty in myself. And that's why to all girls out there... I am most non romantic person, most non interested guy and most non chalant in terms of love and attraction. But on a human level , i have humanitarian connection without any sexual or flirty ones. Jo ho , bass ek se ho ..wo bhi pura...adhura ho,  toh kisi se bhi nahi.

ये सूरत ए हाल सँवर न जाए कहीं, जो आए अब वो न जाए कहीं। आती रहती हैं यादें उसकी, फिर भी चाहता हूँ वो लौट कर आए नहीं। दिल को भी मिलें कुछ दिन सुकून, बेवजह कोई मेरा दिल दुखाए नहीं। इतना सता लिया है लोगों ने बेवजह, अब और कोई मुझे यूँ सताए नहीं। अगर ग़म में हूँ, तो रहने दो, मुझे मेरे भ्रम से निकाला जाए नहीं। सोते हुए हँस दूँ अगर, मुझे नींद से उठाया जाए नहीं। काटने को बची है ज़िंदगी मेरी, अब सच में कट न जाए कहीं।                                        – शिनाख्त 

  Some days are in your hands, some are not , some days some work arrives...some days it's just your mood . I call these moments as little moments which can't be avoided rather must be accepted and then coming back to work as early as possible. But I have a problem, when I study in an ideal way , I enjoy 2 days ...and there I lack ... So I come up with my solution as  Never give your 100 percent...just on very very specific day... Rather try to achieve 80 percent and keeping yourself hungry for that day. And that's how I think I could achieve long term consistency.

मेरे ज़ेहन से बाहर एक शख़्स रहता है, जिसका चेहरा मुझसे छुपा रहता है। उसके आने का इंतज़ार है बेवक़्त सा, हम पर भी काफ़ी खाली वक़्त रहता है। पता नहीं वो कहाँ कहाँ फिरता है, न जाने वो किस शहर में रहता है। वो जीता होगा किस तरह अपनी ज़िंदगी, हमें तो सिर्फ़ उसका ख़याल रहता है। आते हैं, आने वाले काफ़ी लोग, हमें तो बस उसका इंतज़ार रहता है। उस लापता का घर जो हूँ मैं, न जाने वो लापता कहाँ गुम रहता है। कुछ इस तरह निकाल बैठें है उसके लिए वक्त अब हम पर खुद के लिए वक्त कम रहता है। कभी मिले वो शख़्स तो बताएँगे उसे, हम पर भी काम बहुत रहता है।                                            –शिनाख्त 

lately, i have stopped writing ..not completely, but sparingly. जख्मों को भरने के लिए , उन्हे कुरेदना छोड़ना पड़ता है ।  ... i have stopped the chase of the better half completely...and that girl never share the same feelings and it is okay ..I have not made myself stone hearted or cold hearted but i will not chase anyone though id someone choose e...i will keep her ...why would someone loves me ?  do i love myself ? i don't love my past version  though it was necessary ...i am changing myself and i'm loving myself.. i am loving this process and in this process i am loving myself. ... there is no alternative to study...i have to study..दुनिया में रहना है तो काम कर प्यारे ..काम तो करना ही पड़ेगा... keep results out of mind, otherwise you can't focus on procedure ...whether the output will be in your favour or not...keep this thought aside and work ...there will be uncertainty of future .  ... friends are very important...atleast they try to understand me. There should no...

This pain and loneliness must be needed right now to foster growth and self development. Just make sure this must be strategic loneliness or isolation. Have friends to talk about . This loneliness will foster creativity inside myself. This loneliness makes me the best version of myself which gonna be unbeatable. Stay happy stay blessed 

लोगों पर होता होगा सनम हम पर तो कुछ नहीं बचता है काम करने के लिए बहुत  हम पर तो कुछ नहीं जचता कुछ महंगे शौक रह गए तेरे जाने के बाद हम पर तो कुछ नहीं सस्ता कुछ दोस्त रहते है शहर में बाकी अनजाने लोग और वही रस्ता                                                 – शिनाख्त 

सौ फ़रेब इश्क़ पर एक दोस्ती भारी रहती है, हज़ारों वादों पर एक ज़बान भारी रहती है। लाखों झूठे चेहरे हैं ज़माने में, कुछ दोस्तों की मुझसे वफ़ादारी रहती है। चाँद होता होगा किसी के हक़ में, हमें उससे क्या, हमारी तो जुगनुओं से यारी रहती है। दुर्योधन के हिस्से में थे कई पाप, लेकिन पांडवों पर कर्ण की उधारी रहती है।                                         –शिनाख्त 

Kitna bhi kuch kharab ho jaye  Sab kuch thik ho hi jaata hai There is a quote  All will be fine in the end and if is not fine , then it is the not the end Have hope Bharosa rakhna mat chodo  Chahe love life ho ya career Agar sab khatam ho gya hai Toh uparwale par bharosa rakho Agar us par nhi ho paa Raha hai Toh dekho humna history aur civilization ko  Wo bhi nhi ho paa raha toh apne hi past ko dekho Isliye khud ko sambhalte raho aur hope mat chodo kabhi bhi Kuch na kuch ho hi Jayega end main  I know bahut mushkil hoti hai...khud ko time do ..but don't forget , kuch na kuch ho hi jaata hai ....  Nida faazli rightly said this in his gazal  जो हो इक बार वो हर बार हो ऐसा नहीं होता हमेशा एक ही से प्यार हो ऐसा नहीं होता कहानी में तो किरदारों को जो चाहे बना दीजे हक़ीक़त भी कहानी-कार हो ऐसा नहीं होता हर इक कश्ती का अपना तजरबा होता है दरिया में सफ़र में रोज़ ही मंजधार हो ऐसा नहीं होता कहीं तो कोई होगा जिस को अपनी भी ज़रूरत हो हर इक बाज़ी में दिल की हार हो ऐसा ...

उससे मोहब्बत है हमको, उसे मोहब्बत नहीं हमसे, वो चाँद सी खूबसूरत है, हम मारे हैं न जाने किस ग़म के, आज भी वो लगती हैं जवान, हम भी रह गए बस ख़ुद के, दिमाग में आना मुश्किल है तुम्हारा, नहीं निकाल पाएँगे तुम्हें दिल से, तुम कैसी भी रही, मुकम्मल रही ख़ुद से, बस हमारी न हो पाईं तुम, यही शिकायत रही तुमसे।

 i want to do some things . these are some goals which i want to achieve .  i don't love myself right now, because that is not what i want to be.  i want to achieve somethings as goals, physical appearance and some academic and some social validation . for me , social validation , recognition or attention is necessary. not in big amount, just a small amout. I don't want social validation in every thing...i want social validation, social acceptance in my work...just my work.. Zakir Khan as said it. Kuch khwab hai Mere jihne chaand se door chata hun  Zindagi bhale gumnaam rahe maut main mashoor chahta hun some things which i want to change in myself because of i am not so presentable. these are not entire my personality, but i need a little amount of social validation for myself. its like some things i want to do because i like them to do without any public attention, but  for some things, i need people to appreciate me. But there remains an inherent question, wh...

 well well well...i need to write it to get over someone ... and here it goes raw, unfiltered, non edit version ... she does not love me... i don't assuming it. she said this on my face. well she wants to be my friend ...which is not possible for me. what else could i do ...i asked her , she said nothing . she rejected me because she never share such feeling for me. she want to make me understand via her brain , but bro please shut up, you can't deal heart only with brain. emotions are more than understanding , its about how you feel to someone. for me, its just make me sad that i got rejected. but don't making my heart any smaller ...just need some time to get over with her . when i reject someone , i don't feel such bad ...but now someone rejected me , now i feel how actually someone feel ...and thats the reason why i am not making my heart any smaller ..its not so big deal bro . allahma iqbal said it rightly,  हजारों साल नरगिस अपनी बेनूरी पे रोती है  तब जाके कहीं चमन...

कि कई काले बादलों से घिरा हूँ, उड़ने की चाह में कई बार गिरा हूँ। और जो आपको तंग कर रही है मेरी हमदर्दी, मैं तो इन्हीं गलियों में फिरा हूँ। मैं नहीं चाहता कि आप पर बुरा वक्त कभी आए, पर गलती से जो आ जाए, तो समझोगे  कि कैसे मैं अपनी बातों का सिरा हूँ। तब तक मुझे रहने दो जैसा मैं हूँ, दुनिया-सा बनाने की कोशिश मत करो मुझे, मैं अकेला आया था, और अकेले ही विदा हूँ।                                  –शिनाख्त 

and you have met thousands of people on your way to London, and I know they like you, you are quite fun. you must’ve smiled at dozens of them. but you still love the one who’s stuck in this weird city. oh, what a shame on you for loving the hot coffee girl. the one whose heart is of stone, but face filled with pearl. the one whose eyes you look for in a crowd, the one you told your friends and professors about. and you’ve met hundreds of girls on your way to London, and I know they like you. you are so, so fun. you must’ve made a sick joke to make them all laugh, but their smiles must’ve cut you into halves and reminded you of the girl you left behind. the one that dropped your brain and made your heart blind. all your friends told you you will move on, you both will kid in love. you thought you knew a lot, but it never was enough. they’re so wrong, we both know. it’s been forever, we’re still stuck here. so even though you moved to London and I found ...

  सोचता था पत्थर कैसे बन जाते हैं खाते-खाते ठोकर ऐसे बन जाते हैं हम भी निकले थे दरिया की तलाश में प्यास की कमी से लोग समंदर बन जाते हैं कुछ बातें दिल में रखना भी जरूरी है वरना लोग मील के पत्थर बन जाते हैं ..... To be continued

There is a deep desire in me about love, THE DESIRE TO LOVE TOO MUCH AND LOVED BACK TOO MUCH .  Since childhood i felt a lack of deep love or acceptance for myself. no one i say, no one deeply loved me and even when i love the person , he/she never really loved me back with same intent and same emotions. that does not mean people never loved me , rather they do loved me in various forms as my mother loved me ,my friends, my neighbours, my teachers , but they never loved me completely.  they never loved me fully , there is nothing as deep love which i ever experienced . i think, not being sure, but till that extent which people let me in ,i love people too much. when my love become suffocation , i pull back myself. there is deep desire entrenched in me to love too much and loved back too much . this desire become a form of void that remains in my heart. this desire became the source of suffering in my life .  someone who gets close to me, i expect from him/her to fill that...

I won’t wait for you, and I carry no grudges. If you come back, I won’t stop you. If you stay away, I’m already nothing to you. The only thing I can offer is a final chance. But love now has to be worth something. I can love what meets me halfway. Unreturned love wears me thin. I’m living my life, open to what’s ahead. Someone out there will choose me without hesitation.                                      -Shinakht 

You said you miss me, but you never called. I saw you downtown, in City Mall. You were holding hands, they were grasping yours. Did you miss me out of force? You said it’s been hard on you when it’s the middle of the night and you’ve got nothing to do. You stare at the ceiling, I stare back at you. You said you wonder what if all we had wasn’t true. And your chest clenches, your heart burns. Is it me, or affection? Your heart yearns, and yet, you don’t know. You never lied to me. But how could you turn to someone else when we’re broken like this? You said you missed me, and your hands shake when you pick up the phone to call me. You feel a little fake, because you know what you did. And you know you can’t turn back, at least it’s not accountability that you lack. You said you missed me, but you never called. I saw you downtown, in City Mall. You were holding his hands, they were grasping yours. You surely missed me out of force.       ...

इश्क़ के मरीज़ का कोई इलाज नहीं, टूटे दिल के लिए कोई साज़ नहीं। तुम्हें लगता है, हो जाएगा इस बार कुछ, कहाँ पहले कभी कुछ हुआ था? तो आज भी, कोई इम्तियाज़ नहीं। ये लाइलाज बीमारी है, दर्द-ए-दिल की, दिल को उम्मीद है, पर किसी से आस नहीं। कोई आकर भर दे ग़म, खुद से तो, इसका कोई मयार नहीं। प्यार, मजबूरी से माँगा जाए अगर, इससे बड़ी, कोई मक्कार चाल नहीं। बस खुद को बाहर से रखो, इतना सख़्त, कि अंदर जलो भी, तो बाहर निकले आँच नहीं। आख़िर में, बस रज़ामंदी बचती है, इसे स्वीकार करने में, कोई हार नहीं। न तुम्हारे हाथ कभी हल आया, कितने आकर चले गए राँझे  फिर भी रहा, इसका कोई हिसाब नहीं।                                                       - शिनाख्त 

क्या ख़ूब वक़्त बिगाड़ा है, ख़ुद को जो इस तरह सँवारा है। हार कर इश्क़ में कुछ इस क़दर, मैंने जीत का एक रस्ता निकाला है। अब तन्हाई भी नहीं रही मेरे पास, इतना अकेला जो हो लिया हूं  इस वक़्त तक पहुँचने के लिए बहुत सा वक़्त लगाया है। चंद दोस्त बाक़ी रह गए मेरे, कुछ दोस्तों से भी धोखा खाया है। इस उलटी सीधी दुनिया को देखकर परेशानी का असली मतलब आया है। ख़ुद को आगे बढ़ाने में रहती हैं कुछ दिक्कत  हमने भी ख़ुद को पत्थरों से कई बार टकराया है। कितनों के जाने से कितनो को बुलाने से  और उनके न वापस आने से हमने भी दिल को पत्थर बनाया है। वो मर गया जो था पहले ये कौन हूँ मैं, ये किसका साया है। अब न ख़ुशी है, न कोई ग़म का साया है। कुछ यादें हैं और काम बहुत ज़्यादा है।                                    –शिनाख्त 

I asked myself a question yesterday, where and why was I failing in the preparation? As I myself thinking that one does not fail in the exam rather one fails in the preparation of the exam  So the answer comes out as little moments  So let's explain it , what do I mean by little moments. Suppose you have a big and vast ship , and now you want to row that ship into sea but whenever you try to row it , it starts to sink ..  You think it's a problem with ship design and what not ...so you again made a ship , and then same chain of events occur. And you gain made a new ship. So the answer is not ship design rather the small holes ...tiny holes that punctured the ship. The best saying that describes it very well is "Don't use sword to kill mosquito" In my life while preparing, I too punctured with these small holes , and in response to that I change my whole plan again and again. And what are these holes ...these are small moments as boredom, mood , some household chor...

this is completely my set of ideas and if you don't align with it, it's all okay. i am not preaching here anything rather i am saying what i want to say to myself and what i personally felt while trying to prepare for upsc cse . since i have not cleared it, so i have no authority but i think this is the way that i adopted and benefits me, and also the other ways makes me anxious.  so with the disclaimer alert, i want to start this by 2 quotes  '' you don't fail in any exam rather , you fails in the preparation of exam '' '' if you don't enjoy the way during the process, i don't know about the right way, but this the wrong way surely''. first thing first , the first quote told us about the importance of preparation, the winner is not the outcome of a single day event rather its the outcome of several days which he put for that single day.  so before getting the day ceased, you have to cease your preparation . you have many obstacles wh...

I can't be loved by anyone and i accepted it with full heart. Nobody could love me. I can't able have a love life since I don't have love line. I can give love and to get reciprocated... impossible...and i accept it. Though in past i get reciprocation of love , but not how much I wanted .... Always loved less. that's why I have accepted it that people can't love me and i am not lovable. I'm exhausted. I am not writing it to get some sympathy... I am writing it because I am sad. I have a hope but it feels very tired and exhausting. I have to kill that hope too ..i have to kill that wish. Chahne ki zarurat nhi, chahne ki Chahat ko maar diya jaaye ab. It's difficult, still in my heart some love left but it's better to accept that this feeling ain't for me. There is no one left who could revert back my love ...people are not capable enough...so I left this feeling here. #haq se single