Mere kadhi chawal

Don't open up yourself to anyone who don't know you completely. Like if you just know a person, don't spill all the beans to him.. Share to your closed ones... It's like protecting your vulnerability. हर किसी से नहीं करता अपनी बातें  हर अपना नहीं होता गले लगाने वाला  ... Open up gradually. Let people prove they can hold smaller truths before you hand them the heavier ones. Watch consistency, not charm. Someone can feel safe in the moment and still be unreliable over time. Humans are excellent at temporary performances. Protecting your vulnerability is not “being closed off.” It’s having boundaries. There’s a difference. One is fear; the other is discernment. Share deeply with people who have shown loyalty, empathy, and discretion. The ones who don’t make your honesty feel expensive afterward. Not everyone deserves the full map of your inner world. Some people barely qualify for the lobby. Grim architecture, but efficient.

So it's that time of the year ...garmi again.. And the sleep schedule...is very important to carry on the studies... And again the sleep schedule is fucked up... So what to do .. 1.Maintain a strict sleep schedule...you know you gonna miss some days but it's okay.. 2.Try to take quality sleep in night by all means...go to your other house to sleep... Because if you can't sleep properly in night ...forget the following day to be productive. 3. If somehow you miss to sleep...once in a time.. Make nap your weapon of strength... Avoid phone by all means ..just set a 1 hr alarm and relax.. 4. Don't force yourself to sleep..just be relax  And one important correction: Do not “catch up” by sleeping till noon. That feels good short-term and wrecks the next night. Wake up, take the damage, maybe nap, and reset.

Sleep cycle fucked up hui.. Nap par depend raho.. 1 ghanta ...phone alarm... Otherwise no phone And that's it . Koi topper ka schedule copy mat kar... Tujhse jitna ho paaye ..utna padh  ... I know tune apna schedule bana rakha hai.. Usko bhi itna serious mat kr garmi m ... Uske hissab se kaam kr...utna nhi ho pa raha koi nhi..chill.. Bass karta reh...continuity is the boss ... 10 ghante zombie mode = 30% retention vs 4 ghante sharp mode = 75% retention  .. Bad sleep ke baad brain apni capacity ko underestimate karta hai. Tumhe lagega “aaj kuch hoga hi nahi”, par once you start, often 60–70% output aa hi jata hai.

You don't have to fight your halaat ..to change them according to anyone else... Rather you have to fight your halaat...to be your best version.. You don't have to fight for :  Copying others halaat Copying other circumstances  Copying others output ... You have a unique way of yourself...you have to become your best version...not anyone else .. Like you don't have to mirror toppers schedules, or life choices or anything else .. You have to fight your halaat to be in line with you...not the toppers... And may be in all of this...you are not capable of upsc cse topper Right now....but eventually you will become cse topperbut maybe you will become something else first as pcs or other exam passed student but for all of that you have to become yourself first. “मंज़िल से पहले खुद को पाना ज़रूरी है, वरना जीत भी मिल जाए तो लगेगी किसी और की।” And I think you will become amazing as you will have that own self confidence. You will become a remembered one. "हम भी दरिया हैं हमें अ...

लाइट ये क्यूं रात भर नहीं आती  ठंडक कहीं भी नज़र नहीं आती  आती थी पहले गर्मियों में नींद  अब बिना AC के रत्ती भर नहीं आती आती थी अफ्रीका के लोगों पर हंसी अब अपनी भी हालत पर नहीं आती है ऐसी गर्मी कि जग रहा हूं वरना  जागने की हिम्मत दिन भर नहीं आती  बिजलीवालों से चिढ़ है कुछ इस कदर  नाम पर बची गाली नज़र नहीं आती आजकल ऐसी जगह जाना चाहता हूं  जहां से गर्मी की कोई खबर नहीं आती  हमेशा बिजली की उम्मीद में बैठा रहता हूँ  खबर आती है, बिजली मगर नहीं आती  बिजली के नाम पर वोट मांगेगा दोबारा  मेरी तरह शर्म उसको भी मगर नहीं आती –शिनाख्त 

If you got bored with study ..which I usually do and this is natural with such a long term goal.... .so what to do ? Change the subject, method or anything with respect to study...revise...read or watch videos...do everything that you want wrt study that makes you learned  Try slowly slowly to study...even if there is iota of will left to study.. And when there is nothing you want to study ...and it is more common than you think... Then you can do  Call / meet someone whom you genuinely want. Don't connect just because you are bored .. connect because you want. . Avoid phone at all Sit with that silence ...that nothingness and just do nothing... And when the curiousity awake once again..., the flow start once again  ..study  Hard study → Easy study → Revision → Passive learning → Rest 🔜 return to hard study..

There will be problems till you are alive... They will change itself by size, shape or any means. Tab tak jiyoge , tab tak dikkatein rahengi...varna better to be dead...lol That's why don't take problems as haaye tauba.

Main kabhi...kabhi bhi ...bura nhi dikhta hun It's just my brain that says it to me... I am not unattractive at all...i am just unpresentable...and that can be dealt with resources. i am above average for me.

I know...times are tough...bahut saari dikkatein hain. Mental, physical, economical...bahut saari. Halat acche nhi hai...bahut bure hain.... But you have to keep going Bcs. 1. Tumse bhi bure halat hote h logon ke...you are privileged wrt them 2. Waqt hamesha ek jaisa bhi rehta. It changes. 3. You can change your halat...ek saath nhi ...dheere dheere... That's why I am saying...kaise bhi halat ho...kaam karta reh bro... Everything will change...you just please keep walking. Ye halat badal jayenge if you keep working... Jaise heera, ko bahut pressure jhelna padta hai..koyle se heera banne ke liye.. Jaise murat banne ke liye patthar ko chaini hatodi ki maar seheni padti h  Loha ko khanjar banne ke liye ,bhatthi main jalna padta hi h Usse aag se barbaad mat hona , kuch ban jana ..that's why keep working and use your halat as a fuel for your goals.

Chalte reh...kaise bhi ...bass chalte reh  Ruk mat ... failures hote hi rhenge... Win bhi hote rahenge ... dono mometarily hote hai.. This too shall pass.. and thats why don't take them so seriously.. kaam ko serious le  isliye bol raha hun tu chalte reh .chahe kuch bhi ho jaye ...

First of all , have a schedule, have a routine ...but don't be intimidated by it. Don't be too much strict...have a loose schedule. If sometimes you don't have a mood to study...it's completely okay and natural ...just don't involve yourself into anything too much. Don't take a guilt that you are not studying... sometimes you just don't.and there is no shame about it. Sometimes you try , to study even without mood ..try to do it .but if you don't have even iota...it's okay to spend some time somewhere else. 2nd is about hours...leave it please...kitne ghante padhe....kitne ghante padhna chahiye tha...leave them..just make a study log..leave the hours. As I am explorer not a navigator by nature of studying. 3rd is leave phone in cupboard with dnd while studying.you can use it for afternoon nap of 40 mins. and reading bed time ai stories. 4th one is drink a lot of water, use ors or electral often . And please avoid tea and coffee at all. 5th one is mak...

Losing everything / failure There will be uncertainty but you have to still going on.... because there nothing that you can really do except working.  There will always be fear of Losing everything ...always dikkatein...and will always be fear   Always that you will lose everything   There will be failures...not how much you could control . Dikkatein hamesha chalti rehti hai dhyan rakhna bro...dikkatein kabhi khatam nhi hoti ...bass badal jaati h   Face them with a smile on a face , because it's imperative to not win all the spheres...all the things at a time.  It's imperative that you will lose certain things..but that does not mean to take failures lightly, improve upon them. Try your best at action, and try to detach from results.  There will times when there is fear of uncertainty... uncertainty to lose everything.   Loser and failure is not the one who lose everything.   Failure is the one who don't stand up after f...

अगर सब कुछ बिखर जाएगा  तो किरदार तेरा निखर जाएगा  उम्मीद का दामन मत छोड़ दोस्त  जैसा भी हो वक़्त गुज़र जाएगा  अगर कहीं तुझे तेरा घर न मिले  तो कोई नहीं, तू शिखर जाएगा  और जितनी भी मुश्किलें हैं अभी ये सफ़र एक दिन सुधर जाएगा  जैसा भी हो, बुरा हो या अच्छा , एक दिन तू भी यूँ सँवर जाएगा  कोई गाँव न मिले तुझे तो डर मत  तू एक दिन खुद में शहर जाएगा  जितनी हो रही भाग दौड़ होने दे एक दिन तू भी खुद में ठहर जाएगा - शिनाख्त 

तेरे जाने के बाद कुछ बचा ही नहीं  बचता कहाँ से कुछ था ही नहीं  सुन लिया सब जो तूने कहा ही नहीं  तेरे जाने के बाद मैं, मैं रहा ही नहीं  सोचकर दुखी रहता हूँ अक्सर  वो जो हमारे बीच कभी हुआ ही नहीं  एक पत्थर है जो बच गया है रोने को  ये दिल अभी तक पत्थर बना ही नहीं  अब कैसी कशमकश में रहता हूँ  तू नहीं तो लगता है कोई मज़ा ही नहीं  दिल बहलाने के लिए काम करते हैं  पूछे कोई तो काम में कुछ मज़ा ही नहीं  कैसे पड़े इस दिल को आराम , कोई बताए  कहते हैं इस दर्द की कोई दवा ही नहीं  - शिनाख्त 

sab kuch sa h ..padh bhi raha hun...exercise bhi kar raha hun ...happy for it .. kuch dost h ..not understand me so deeply but not mimic or mocks me ..atleast respect my feelings...kuch samjh bhi lete hain , even jinke saamne main vulnerable bhi ho jata hun loneliness ko jhel hi raha hun .. dil ka ek kona thoda sard sa h ...koi nhi hai samjhne wala... romantic partner ki thodi jarurat si feel hoti h ...but kya hi kar skte hain abhi.. its not the time,abhi toh padhna hai ..jon leni hai , future secure karna hai...halki si stability aaye toh date bhi karu khair  iss dard ka abhi kuch nhi kar skte...aur kisi din yhe loud bho hoga, but it is till okay  it will not go away, bass intensity kam ho jayegi , but it craves ..but har craving har time fulfil nhi ho paati. as nida fazli said  बे-नाम सा ये दर्द ठहर क्यूँ नहीं जाता जो बीत गया है वो गुज़र क्यूँ नहीं जाता सब कुछ तो है क्या ढूँढती रहती हैं निगाहें क्या बात है मैं वक़्त पे घर क्यूँ नहीं जाता वो एक ही चेहरा तो नहीं सारे जहाँ...

Storify How  People character  Story built Attach things via behaviour or anything else

हर हाथ दोस्ती का नहीं है मिलाने वाला  यही अंदाज है आजकल ज़माने वाला  हर किसी से नहीं करता अपनी बातें  हर अपना नहीं होता गले लगाने वाला  चाहूँ तो सबसे दूरी कर लू मैं अभी  फिर कौन बचेगा मुझे यूं रुलाने वाला  अपनों में अपनों को छाँटकर देखता हूँ अब  कोई अपना ही था कल दिल दुखाने वाला  कौन किसको रोक सका है आज तक  जाकर ही रहता है हमेशा जाने वाला  सफर की राहों में मिलते हैं कुछ मुसाफिर  लगता है वही था हमेशा से अपनाने वाला  वक्त वक्त पर अपने मिलते रहते हैं कोई हमेशा नहीं रह पाता निभाने वाला  - शिनाख्त 

1.koi apna h kya 2.Main thoda emotional banda hun..log practical h 3.Emotional comfort kyu nhi mil pata mujhe  4.Kya emotional comfort sirf better half se hi mil payega  5.Mere dost iss level par emotional kyu nhi h  6.kya family ke alawa kuch hadd tak , koi emotional comfort nhi de payega...not even friends  7.Agar aisa hai..then i don't want to spend my time too much with practical friends ?  Ans. 1.Time time par , apne hote h 2.Koi baat nhi...main thoda deep hun, koi issue nhi.. don't expect them emotional  3.Depth jyada h ...logon ki nhi h itni ..na bhukh hai emotional connection ki, na need... don't expect them to be so emotional  4.Kaafi hadd tak mera haan, but Shayad koi dost bhi mil jaye 5. It's not their fault... don't expect them emotional... nobody ain't so 6.Aisa nhi h...jo emotional comfort na de paaye but atleast Mera mazak toh na udaye ...itna bhi kaafi h  7.No... atleast they respect my emotions...not reciprocate though. And atlast...

 Rasta bahut sakra hai 

 Log dil dukhate hai  Aur chale jaate hain Meri kya galti jo dukhi ho jau People lost me...it's not  My fault  ... I'm drawing boundaries but not disrespecting you.. Tum kuch bolo mere baare main ..aur main puchu bhi na ...ye kaisi baat Hui.

अपनी तन्हाई को यूँ ज़ाया न किया जाए कुछ दिन खुद के लिए भी जिया जाए और ज़रूरी है क्या लोगों से मिलना हमेशा ना चाहते हुए भी लोगों से क्यों मिला जाए इस डर से कि मर जाऊँगा अकेले मैं अपने अंदर बेकार सामान को न भरा जाए वो क्या सोचेगा, मैं क्या सोचूँ ये डर कर कब तक इस ज़ेहन में जिया जाए कहीं बुरा न लग जाए किसी को मेरा कहा कब तक अपनी बातों को दिल में रखा जाए थोड़ी हिम्मत दिखा चोट सहने की दोस्त वरना पत्थर को मूर्ति कैसे बनाया जाए अगर तुम खुद नहीं हो जैसे तुम चाहते हो तो कैसे अपने जैसे इंसानों को ढूँढा जाए जिनसे मिल पाए ये दिल की बातें, रखो पास क्यों बेवजह भीड़ का बोझ बढ़ाया जाए इतना वक़्त क्यों देना किसी को बेवजह बस अपनों और अपने काम पर ध्यान दिया जाए खुद को बचाने में और दूसरों को गिराने में एक पतली सी अदब का पूरा ध्यान रखा जाए – शिनाख्त 

it occurs..especially to unknowns.. knowns..it is your brain only..they just think you indifferent or ajeeb for a while nobody understands you wrong, its your brain. and if they understand you wrong,..unke perception se reality nhi badalti If anybody thinks ill about you...he will say so... if nobody talks about it...it's your mind. and distance is not abandonment  Talk it out...and if the other person don't want to talk...leave them. and if there is any fuck up, people think ki koi issue hua hoga then its okay. and most people never understands you completely, its just they respect your closeness. and the most important thing..is there any evidence.. and what you ultimately think about yourself is actually the thing. .. Agar isko condensed form mein likhun: Unknown people rarely think about you as much as your brain claims they do. Distance is not abandonment. Imperfect understanding is normal. Before believing a fear, ask for evidence. And when evidence is missing, don...

she said ..meri yaad bhi nhi aayi.. i said...nhi , aisa nhi hai..bass i started developing feelings for you.. she wants a friend, but i srated to love her.. ab usse miss karta hun, but she also don't love me as partner, rather just a friend. ab usse hurt karti hai ek friend ki kami aur mujhe ek potential partner ki,, mismatched.. and it okay to bear some sadness for a while.

अपने हाथों से अपनी कहानी लिखना, औरों से नहीं, अपनी ही ज़ुबानी लिखना। शिकायतें लिखकर क्या हासिल होगा, लिखना है तो हर पल मेहरबानी लिखना। दिन भर डूब जाना काम में पूरी तरह, रात को दिन भर की परेशानी लिखना। यक़ीन रखना ख़ुद पर सबसे ज़्यादा, अपनी ही आँखों से अपनी निशानी लिखना। अपने ही आँखों से देखना खुद को पूरा  औरों की आँखों से अधूरी कहानी  लिखना ।  औरों की आँखों से खुदको देखना ज़रूर  अपने आँखों से अपनी पूरी कहानी लिखना ।

 किसी के पीछे भागता चला मैं, ख़ुद को हमेशा कम आँकता चला मैं। ज़ेहन की हर बात की गवाही माँगी उससे, फिर भी अपने हाथों को काँपता चला मैं। जब देखा तो किसी बात का सबूत न मिला, दिमाग़ की बातों को यूँ काटता चला मैं। अपनी ही बातों पर अपना सर खोता रहा, ख़ुद को बिना वजह डाँटता चला मैं। अब सब छोड़ कर कुछ हिस्से सच के देख लिए, अब ख़ुद के लिए खुशियाँ बाँटता चला मैं।

 "Faasla" Ek muddat tak main samajhta raha, ki meri qeemat kisi aur ki nazar mein likhi hai. Woh muskura de toh main behtar, woh nazar andaaz kar de toh main kam. Phir ek din khayal aaya, yeh kaisa hisaab hai jahan mera wajood mere hi haath mein nahi. Main uske darwaze tak jaata tha, kabhi dosti mein, kabhi aadat mein, aur kabhi us darr mein ki kahin ruk gaya toh log bhool na jaayen. Phir dheere se samajh aaya, jo rishta sirf haazri se bachta ho, woh rishta nahi, ek imtihaan hai. Aur jo log waqai apne hote hain, unhe roz yaad dilana nahi padta ki hum maujood hain. Ab agar dil karega toh jaaunga, na karega toh nahi. Na gussa, na elan-e-jang. Bas itna sa faisla ki meri zindagi ab kisi ek nazar ki mohtaaj nahi. Aur agar kabhi tanhaai aaye, toh usse bhi keh dunga, "Baith. Magar meri qeemat ka faisla tu bhi nahi karegi."

never use people for your boredom milne ka mann ho tabhi milo...boredom ke wajah se mat milo Just because I am bored...toh kya mujhe logo. Se mil lena chahiye..just to cure my boredom... I don't think so...jab marzi ho tab hi milna hona

 And life generally is a bumpy road... every month or after sometime there will be chaos..and then there will be peace. Aur philosophy is needed but money also needed

 Hamesha imagination hoti hai.. Guilt ko deal karne ka tareeka hai... Evidence 

It's okay... Itna mat ghuso...Wo layak nhi hai insaan. kaam par dhyan do... Apne upar dhyan do... Aur aapke distance banane se kisi ko bura lage toh wo bol dega...agar nhi bol raha hai toh it's okay .. Isliye shayad sabse theek baat yeh hai: uski taraf se jo dikh raha hai uska samman karo, aur jo dikh nahi raha uske baare mein kahaniyan mat banao. Kai baar guilt bhi imagination se hi paida hota hai. Aur imagination, jab rishton ki baat ho, evidence se zyada overtime karti hai.

Log hamesha aapke apne nhi reh paate... Kuch time Tak reh paate h ... Fir chale jaate h...because you grow apart. And sometimes people leaves you because they grow apart 

Jisse milne ka Mann na mile...usse mat milo

Treat people accordingly... Jo rishta laash ban chuka ho usse zinda karne ki koshish mat karo...bss according treat karo  ... Aur bhi log hai iss duniya aapke layak...seek those... ... Partner ki Kami dost se puri nhi ho skti 

 

दिल के ज़ख्म दोस्ती से नहीं भरते किसी के चले जाने से हम नहीं मरते ज़िंदा भी कैसे रहते हैं पता नहीं उस पर मरते थे, अब किसी पर नहीं मरते फ़िक्र रहती है रात-दिन अपने सपनों की काम शायद करते हैं, पर कुछ नहीं करते और फ़िलहाल बस बच जाएँ ज़िंदा दुनिया से हम ख़ुद के अलावा किसी और से नहीं डरते गहरी बातें कहने का कोई शौक़ नहीं है क्या करें, लोग सीधी बातों पर अमल नहीं करते।

First step is .... Observe people as much as you could 

what you do ?  or if you find out that the close one is not really a good person ... confront them...clear things out at every cost be even with them  

no two person in this universe could think alike . its not possible . but could that means one should be lonely ? and abandon all the relationships ? no... disagreements must not be disrespectful. but is it possible to be remain respectful one sided.. for one time yes, for continuous time, it must be mutual. and what about the people who mocks or criticises you ? though you think them as your closed ones ?  it hurts ,and there is nothing you can do except listening to it with patience...your work reveals your nature ...because people mocks you until you have no authority ... and thats why every person who got criticised after gaining authority ...got legitimacy. and people changes with time. and thats why work . not to them but to yourself  and thats why we make friends..atleast to talk to someone who listens to you . there is poem i write on it ... काँटे भी नहीं चुभते, इतनी मोटी खाल हुई दुनिया की हर ठोकर अब जैसे बेहाल हुई बातें सबकी चुभती हैं, ये सच मैंने माना है अपने जब कुछ ...

Sharir thaka hua nhi...aankhein thaki Hui h .. Neend aa rahi hai ..but so nhi paa raha... Solution is  Kaam kr Neend apne aap aayegi

try to follow that daily loose schedule.. iske alawa aur koi solution nhi hai.. no philosophy could able to do it...except by doing it . and it will be hard on day one , but it will be easy soon one day. And you can do it...you can do it...do it bro

आज कल एक भँवर में फँसकर बैठा हूँ गौर से सुनो जो मैं हँसकर कहता हूँ रोज़ एक जंग से गुज़रती है मेरी तबीयत मैं दिल पर एक बोझ लेकर रहता हूँ कोशिश करता रहता हूँ बाहर आने की मगर न जाने किस ज़मीन में धँसकर बैठा हूँ कोई मुझसे कुछ भी कहे अब, नासिर मैं भी अपनी धुन में अक्सर रहता हूँ एक जुनून की आग पली हुई है ज़ेहन में कुछ भी हो जाए, ख़ुद को हँसकर सहता हूँ ये भँवर चाहे हो कितना भी गहरा अपने इरादों के साथ अब डटकर रहता हूँ। –शिनाख्त 

 

a loose schedule... and weekly review make study log.. targets chase is not my thing, very non serious guy.. just like to study, and thats it..thats why enter out of curiosity and exit by noting down, using pressure of study to study actually is not my cup  try to study as much as possible.. when no mood..change the subject try to do it in parts..in very small parts...walking like snail but keep walking ..if mood persist..take a break without guilt.. dont scroll phone..call, meet aur scooty ride. and there are little moments of some work ..do it as small moments .. other than nothing to think...keep the weekly review in your mind. And a lot of boredom. thats it

Whether it's about cse or studying 

इश्क़ के कुछ उसूल होते हैं मियां... ऐसा मुझसे किसी ने कहाँ था ... शायद वो ये थे... Relationship is not the solution of lust..I mean sexuality has to be there in any relationship  But lust must not be the starting and sole purpose of relationship. And that's why it takes time to build relationships...take it slow. Because I crave for emotional connection than physical connection. Physical urges can't be satisfied without emotional connection. And if biology keeps you knocking...you can vent out with yourself.

Weekly reviews  Study log As I got anxious by targets...for me entry is vague but exit is exact. As I read next hour polity ... Output how many questions/ topics

At the end, pyaar bhi mil jata hai Agar aap sacche raho...and it's does not have a last date. As nida fazli said... Zindagi jo hai Jadoo ka khilona hai Haath aaye toh mitti hai, na aaye toh sona hai ... Isliye adhure ishq ko saccha pyaar kehte hai.. Wo saccha pyaar tha isliye mukammal nhi ho paya Ya fir wo mukammal nhi ho Paya isliye saccha pyaar hai.. Agar saccha pyaar mil jaye toh usse bhi sambhal ke hi toh rakhoge... Toh there is no burai in having a marriage and living a good life with your partner...ye bhi saccha hai ..ye bhi ishq hi hai... Sab log ishq kr bajood se hi zinda hai...kyunki log shaadi ko pyaar nhi samjhte.. Ye insaani fitrat hi hai As nida fazli said Kuch tabiyat hi aisi mili thi ki chain se jeene ki surat na hui Jise chaha usse paa na ske, jo mila usse mohabbat na hui.. I ask him...agar ho chaha wo mil jata toh kya uski value chali jaati...ya fir uski value uske Milne ya na milne par hai..na ki khud uski apni value par ..aur baat rahi red flags ki ...there are n...

 . Always thought that language se kya hi farak padta hai  . Now think differently  . Izzat padhai aur writing ke liye aur badh gyi.. . No translation of adab , it's close to exactness and clarity . Main jabse patthar ban gya, studio ban gya mandir . And it does not mean to add more words...it's precision. . Though usme bhi koi dikkat nhi hai..that was for masses ,while this one is for myself. .But sirf adab zaruri nhi...baat bhi kuch honi chahiye ..it's like adab is soil and your talk must be the seed Dono cheezein balanced hona jaruri hai...for a great writing.

मैं ऐसा क्या लिखूँ कि कोई बात बन जाए, मैं ऐसा क्या कहूँ कि कोई बात बन जाए। लिखने को सिर्फ़ अल्फ़ाज़ ही हैं मेरे पास, मैं कैसे लिखूँ कि कोई याद बन जाए। सिर्फ़ अल्फ़ाज़ लेकर दर पर खड़ा हूँ मैं, ऐसे कैसे लिखूँ कि जज़्बातों की रात बन जाए। हर मंज़िल पर अपना ही पता ढूँढ़ता हूँ, ऐसा क्या खो गया कि उसकी याद बन जाए। कहीं से तो निकले कोई बात ऐसी, ख़ुद की ख़ुद से कोई मुलाक़ात बन जाए                                                    –शिनाख्त 

जैसी भी हों बातें, आख़िर बातें ही तो हैं, कितनी भी लंबी हों, आखिर रातें ही तो हैं। कौन गया, कौन आया, क्या खोया, क्या पाया, गुज़रे वक़्त की सब यादें ही तो हैं। ऐसा नया क्या है जो मैं देख लूँगा, मेरी भी तुम्हारी जैसी आँखें ही तो हैं। पता नहीं हर वक़्त क्या ढूँढ़ता रहता हूँ, आख़िर में सब एक जैसी चाहें ही तो हैं। शहर का हर कोना घूम लिया है मैंने, आख़िर में सब एक जैसी राहें ही तो हैं। कब ख़त्म हो जाए ये ज़िंदगी, क्या मालूम, अभी तो बची हुई कुछ साँसें ही तो हैं। — शिनाख्त                                                 

 kyi baar mann nhi hota fir bhi padhna padta hai, dheere dheere..in small time period, in small chunks..somehow just keep moving.. Ek routine bana le  chote chote hisson main tod le..aur bass un chote hisse hi kar bass ... dheere dheere kar...keep walking... and please dont take the pressure of study.. sometimes take a break and dont do anything..agar kuch bhi karne ka mann nhi hai toh.

Boredom , loneliness,lust, dukh, peace , creativity..ek hi saath aate hai. All this is part of space, isliye ek khalipan jaruri ho jata hai  And here the last stop is peace....but not like a stoppage but like a byproduct.

छाया मत छूना मन होता है दुख दूना मन जीवन में हैं सुरंग सुधियाँ सुहावनी छवियों की चित्र-गंध फैली मनभावनी; तन-सुगंध शेष रही, बीत गई यामिनी, कुंतल के फूलों की याद बनी चाँदनी। भूली-सी एक छुअन बनता हर जीवित क्षण छाया मत छूना मन होगा दुख दूना मन यश है न वैभव है, मान है न सरमाया; जितना ही दौड़ा तू उतना ही भरमाया। प्रभुता का शरण-बिंब केवल मृगतृष्‍णा है, हर चंद्रिका में छिपी एक रात कृष्‍णा है। जो है यथार्थ कठिन उसका तू कर पूजन- छाया मत छूना मन होगा दुख दूना मन दुविधा-हत साहस है, दिखता है पंथ नहीं देह सुखी हो पर मन के दुख का अंत नहीं। दुख है न चाँद खिला शरद-रात आने पर, क्‍या हुया जो खिला फूल रस-बसंत जाने पर? जो न मिला भूल उसे कर तू भविष्‍य वरण, छाया मत छूना मन होगा दुख दूना मन

 I have a hunger...insane hunger.. Aag hai aag...ab uss aag se jalna hai...yaa kuch aur ...ya idhan ... Isliye obsessed ho jata hun Isliye sab kuch more than normal hai.. Isliye boredom lagta hai... Isliye addict ho jata hun..

 escape from myself..even i am boring, my life is boring , my thoughts are so complicated, so somewhat rest in form of escape That's a different conversation than "I have bad habits." If you're escaping from yourself, then the phone, music, porn, food, shows, and scrolling are not the disease. They're painkillers. The mistake would be to conclude that because you're escaping yourself, you must therefore be terrible company. People often say, "I'm boring," when what they really mean is: "I don't enjoy being alone with my own mind." Those are not the same thing. You describe your thoughts as complicated. Notice what happens when the stimulation stops. Your mind immediately presents a pile of unresolved stuff. Questions, worries, self-analysis, comparisons, regrets, plans, confusion. That's mentally exhausting. So the phone isn't competing against reality. It's competing against mental effort. And frankly, infinite entertai...

  So, 6th June, addiction. I just got addicted. I just got addicted to things like music addiction, listening to music 24 by 7, phone addiction, random scrolling, apps, jerking off addiction, food addiction, binge-watching shows, scooty addiction, person addiction. Problem is not the addiction itself, problem is I can't able to do anything else. So, why even I go to them at the first place? Because reality is boring and they provide something new, an escape from reality. Initially, it feels good, but then it takes up all of my time, which feels bad at the end of the day because I have to do a work or some work. But if I have nothing else to do, it did not feel bad, rather it feels good. It's okay, it's like, it's okay. It's just that I feel guilty for not doing my work and then that automatically makes me feel bad for wasting my time. And if there is no work, then I won't be guilty, but there is actually a work. And the level of addict I am that sometimes I coul...